Below are the 15 most recent journal entries recorded in angel_juan's LiveJournal:

Thursday, May 26th, 2005
9:40 am	I feel like a ghost, a vapor trail that everyone is trying to photograph before it dissapears. Everyone in the house avoids me, Witch can barely touch me, and we haven't kissed since the first night. Everyone is trying not to disturb me so that I don't go away again. No one wants to be the one who makes me leave. I feel like a glass-cabinet china doll and I'm the only one who knows that I can't be broken anymore. Serafina even seems afraid of me as we walk to Valentine's shop. She is so much changed from the girl I knew once, but for the better, she has grown so wise and beautiful, much moreso than I have. As I am walking a dull ache comes over my whole body. Something's wrong. Witch. "Sera we need to go back home, something is wrong with Witch Baby. We need to go home now." I practically drag Sera along with me as I rush to her. My Nina Bruja, in so much pain, I need to be with her. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 18th, 2005
7:07 pm	Witch is right. I can't ask her to make my decision for me, I can't expect things to be the way they were. I don't know where I'm going, but I know where I've been. I've been with Nina Bruja everywhere I've gone. In the city and in the trees there she is beside me. Jah Love. True love. My love. My Witch Baby. I don't know tomorrow, or the day after, but I know today, and what I want today is to be with her, for as long as I can. I follow her inside the house. I watch as she is awarded the scholarship, but more importantly, as she is given the recognition for the beauty she has created since we were children. My heart is full of pride for her, full as it could never be for myself in such an exposed situation. And I listen as she approaches her teacher afterwards, and she does what she has always done. "Mr. Bliss, I'm honored. I never thought I'd win something like this. You've done a great thing for me, opening my eyes to my talent. However, I can't accept the scholarship. I want you to give it to Claire White tomorrow in school. Tell her she won it. She wont know, because she left before they were given." My beautiful Witch, you have no right or reason to trust me, but I am honored to have your love, and to be here with you in this moment. I stand and wait for you to turn to me, as always, you already know that I am behind you. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 17th, 2005
9:04 am	Walking into this strange house I know that the world is forever altered, and perhaps me with it. This is through the rabbit hole next to the craze of Nick Agate's party. A small gathering of the respectfully interested, so many family and friends, more like an extension of Weetzie's own home than a party. But everyone seems to have followed this gathering into Wonderland themselves. Weetzie in a vortex of black, frightened and drinking, Nick Agate himself, a shy out-of-place club-child, and the strange purple eyed woman who frightened me that day in the city standing elbow to elbow with my own Nina Bruja. You gotta take the good with the bad. Dark with light. Coming out of the trees doesn't just mean seeing Witch it means realizing that life changes, and changing with it. It means that when her mouth crushes to mine and then her palm cracks across my cheek I'm ready for it. I'm ready for everything that is Witch Baby, and I'm finally going to stop running. "Witch I wasn't ready to stop running away for so long, and then I wasn't ready to start living. So I was running in stillness, hiding away in the trees and hoping that I could just forget. But I could never forget you my Nina Bruja, and you were the only place I knew where I could stop running, stop hiding. I want to love all of you Witch, the dark and the light. If you'll let me stop running." (Comment on this)
Monday, May 16th, 2005
8:08 pm	I'm clutching an artshow flyer and trying to feel comfortable in a button down shirt and freshly washed blue jeans. It isn't that I feel out of place in them, like so many other things, only that I have been so long wearing an old t-shirt and dusty cargo pants. I need to see my Witch. Want to suprise her, even though I'm halfway certain it won't be the most welcome of suprises. It will be easier to show up here and see her. I can't just knock on Weetzie's door and ask if she's at home, so it'll have to be here. I'm finally out of my trees and I'm terrified, but I miss her too much to let that stop me for more than a moment. I hang around on a street corner and wait for people to show up. I'll feel better knowing I'm not the only one there. (Comment on this)
Friday, April 29th, 2005
12:18 pm	Haunted How lost have I become that I begin seeing your ghosts? Bizarre alternate universe copies of your beauty. A woman with hair taller than my head, hair that you could never stand to maintain, but looking up into my trees with your same haunting eyes. Who is she and where are you my beautiful witch? How have I become so lost that the you that I see is frightening to me? This is what I feared when I fled the party, I feared that you would become one of the haunted ghost children, that you would become this woman with the impossible hair and exterior thicker than the turtle shells, sturdier than the trunks of my beautiful trees, utterly impenetrable, keeping inside all of the true beauty that is you. But she is not you and I don't know how I could have become so blind as to think that you could become her. You are my perfect witch baby, full of honest understanding and infinite love, however guarded. I left a fantasy of you that would never come to light, but I still fear that in my return I will be the frightening fantasy, I always fear how you will see me, miss nina bruja, I fear how I will be received outside of my trees and solitude. I become increasingly a part of them, witch. I feel the leaves tangled into my hair, almost as if they were growing from my scalp, and my legs become ropey and thick, tree trunk limbs. Will I come back to the world, brave the death and tragic magic of the angel city, or will I stay forever in her trees, free from my fears but eventually becoming them, magnificent but forever silenced? I knew I wanted to be alone for awhile, but I've become so lost in solitude I fear I can never escape my singularity. I want to write you a letter, but my arms are too stiff to maneuver the pencil and my legs too rooted to leave my tree and send it to you. Instead I continue to search for the real you, hoing that among all of the haunted copies I will see your snarl balls and rollerskates, your camera looking through the trees as your magic eye catches a glimpse of my leaf-mutation. Will you even recognize me? I am frightened. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 27th, 2005
5:38 pm	I couldn't do it, Witch. I couldn't and I should have told you that I couldn't. Just being there, being in that crazy mixed up world that so many young dying demons are clammoring for I froze like a gargoyle, ugly and out of place in a cocaine techincolor world. I guess I'm still not a rock star. I think of you and I miss you. But I think of who you might want me to be, need me to be, and all I can stand to miss is my own self, lost in the loving you. I did try my beautiful baby Witch, my forever Nina Bruja. I thought I could be a rock star strum god and make you happy in front of so many people pretending to be happy. But that's all they can do, Witch, they can only pretend. I can't pretend for them, can't pretend to be a throbbing band boy ready to entertain. I want to entertain for love, for you and for Kee and Raphael and Weetz and the rest, but not for those corpse babies. I seem to be always running, always an Angel blur, and I can't stop. I need to find something pure within myself, something pure to share before I can stand to return to you. It always gets lost when I'm with you, not because of you but because of who I wish I could be for you, but can't. I'm taking some time in trees closer to home now, flitting about, hoping to catch a glimpse of you in our beloved city. Always running but still always looking, one eye on the branch and one eye poised ready for your bat-pack and roller skates. I never have seen you. Maybe I'm writing to you because I want you to look up. I don't know what will happen, or what it will mean, but look up. Your beloved, Angel (Comment on this)
Monday, December 6th, 2004
2:39 pm	The thought of my impending 'reintroduction' into the music scene is anything but quieting or comforting. I wander desperately around this too-crazed party like a lost boy. I absentmindedly chew on some pita and wish for a quiet evening of Weetzie's cooking and a 'gig' in the middle of the living room, with all of our friends and no one besides. I'm not here tonight for myself, never would have come out of my own motivation. But for Witch.... for Witch I would sacrifice the world and the heavens besides, and here I am, bass propped up on a haunted/haunting stage biding my time until the hour of testing. Just as absently as I eat I fumble through my bag for something to read. Need to get out of my head for a bit, stop the bone-jangling nervousness eating at my insides and tormenting every neuron. I feel something that seems to be shaped like a book and I perch on an avant garde bar-stool with a well worn copy of Invisible Man. Ahh, how nice to have something to fit my mood. Perhaps I'll become invisible enough that I can't do this show. I really can't do it to Witch but oh how I wish I were that invisible. How I wish that I didn't have to whore for these drug-crazed scene kids, how I wish I didn't have to whore for her, and for our friends, garishly attired in some graven-image of a hipster rock-star. I lose myself in the reading and I am back in my trees. Let this night end soon. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, August 23rd, 2004
7:35 am	I'm worried about witch or am I worried about myself. She's having dreams again, and thinking about the disasters. We've both grown so much so fast since we were kids together. We've done too much growing apart, I think, and we need to start growing back together. My sister is being wonderful and I'm so happy to see her. Sera always was so dear and she hasn't changed in that regard at all. How pleased I am with her. I need to wander though, I need to take a day to get lost in L.A. To play in the streets and in the alleys and just to get lost in my thoughts while I'm lost in the city. To clear my head and figure out what we're doing even considering Nick Agate's party. I always was the last one to be persuaded, but this time I think its with good reason. I am not a rock-star, rock-god, god-on-earth. I do not desire to gain the affections of many nor the attention of all. I don't understand the world of too much too fast, nor do I want to understand it. The world is spinning so fast I fear I'll fall off, Angel (Comment on this)
Friday, August 13th, 2004
3:30 pm	She feels like home to me. This is really the only way I can describe the moment she threw her arms around me and welcomed me home. And this is home, I’m sure of that. For all of my uncertainty, and there is still a great deal of it left to explore, she is my home. Maybe not LA, this crazy city whose angels are not nearly so prevalent as the name might suggest, maybe not this house, or even this self I am currently acting out, but Nina Bruja is certainly home. I feel that my journey has come to a somewhat successful end. Like a dark boy-Dorothy I have found out that what I was searching for was exactly where I left it, it just took a drawn out hellish journey through Oz for me to come to my senses. I see Serafina through the window. She has grown so much into her own skin. Likely she is much more certain of herself than I will ever be of me. She glimpses me, runs out, and joins in our embrace. Yes this is home indeed. At our dinner celebration, however, everything gets stirred up again. Dirk and Duck are smiling at each other suspiciously and Witch and Cherokee sport nervous grins. “We’ve been invited to a party as the Goat Guys,” Kee informs me, smiling her bright sunflower sunshine grin. “So?” “I think we should go.” “Is that all you think?” I asked, knowing that there was more on her mind. “Well, no….I think it would be really slink if we did a show.” And chaos is come again. Chaos in the form of my once-band and the rock god himself, Nick Agate. Chaos in the form of an infamous LA house party that is sure to prove anything but typical, stable or serene. What a welcome home. Current Mood: exhausted (Comment on this)
Monday, August 9th, 2004
12:10 pm	That dangerous city of angels Here I am. In that terrible/wonderful Angel City. Here I am walking painfully slowly towards my past and my future. I am so hesitant to approach them both, my lovely sister and my jah love Nina Bruja. How will they see me? I don't even know how I want to be seen, don't know how I ought to be seen. I don't know who I am yet and it kills me more and more. I have returned without fulfilling my reasons for leaving. Makes New York seem less like a learning experience and more like a futile waste. I'm still so lost. But lost as I may be, I am home. I carefully approach the house, not wanting to knock, wanting more than anything to run away. Here's to the rest of my life. (Comment on this)
Monday, July 26th, 2004
5:12 pm	So close and so far Leaving Chicago and planning on making it a straight shot home. I feel as if I have walked this entire city twice over, and it has done nothing but good for me. I ought to visit Coyote upon my return and take up running. I've realized that so much of my unease has been caused by confined spaces and too many people. I've spent all of my life immersed in the presence of others, of too many others, drowning in seas of bodies. I'm going to see Sera and Witch, but I can't stay. Oh how it aches, the knowledge that I will die in Los Angeles, a fallen angel in the angel city. I want Sera to stay with me, I can't let her go back to Mexico. I hope that she won't mind so much. ... I want Witch to come with me also. I want to be with my sweet nina bruja again. How can I possibly express this love-demon that posesses me at just the thought of her? She keeps my heart in her genie-eyes, and so often she also bears my pain within her tangled locks. She bears so much pain, though, in her fairy frame. I fear that she will crush under it. She certainly won't get better if I take her away. Make her live with my constant movement, constant questioning, take her away from her family. It won't do at all, but that doesn't mean I'm not tempted. I just want to see her face again, listen to her drums, smile for her camera, dance to the music we generate in our minds. Soon, baby, ever so soon. Angel (Comment on this)
Monday, July 12th, 2004
9:29 pm	Oh the horror of traveling to a destination you'd rather avoid. I'm currently jittery in Chicago, having taken a bit of a travel break to spend some time roaming the city in which I've found myself. I sold my bass, not because I needed the money, but more because it was hindering my travel. I feel as if I've sold a vast majority of my soul. I still have a bunch of journals though, and I keep on writing to remind myself that I'm still alive. There aren't many trees here, but I've found a few. There are also some pretty decent street vendors here, but I will admit that LA beats every place I've been for food that makes your insides feel like heaven. I'm feeling sluggish, oh so slow and tired. Spoke to Witch last night, and to Sera. Both seem well, but I assumed that they would enjoy each other, so I am not suprised. Will they be shocked to see me, to see who I am now? A bit gaunt and haunted, hacked off hair and not at all put together. This is not how they remember me, I was a long haired running boy, a shy sexy music man, but never this. I can't explain it to Witch, but I think she senses something. I might spend a few more days here... maybe I'll find something I'm looking for, something that will make me easy again. I let the night take me, Angel (Comment on this)
Monday, July 5th, 2004
11:24 am	Slowly, slowly Today I begin my journey to Los Angeles. I suppose I could have flown, or taken a bus, but I won't do either. If I'm going to make this journey, I'm going to do it my way. I'll hitch and hike over this land I've decided to call home and hopefully the journey will prepare me for the destination. For the first time since I can remember, it doesn't feel like I'm flying. I know that I don't want to make this trip, almost as much as I know that I have to, for her. Sometimes I think Witch wonders if there is someone else, or if I don't love her the way I used to when we were kids. I don't blame her for wondering, but there isn't anyone apart from her. There have always been so many things keeping us apart though, keeping me from her. So much life that gets in the way. She thinks that I would never have returned for her, and she might be right, but she doesn't understand the reasons. I'm not sure I could explain them to her, not really sure I could explain them to myself. I'm not even out of New York yet and already I miss the city. I left my tree house, though. One day I will return to visit it and hopefully some new inhabitant will be finding him/herself within its branches. Or rather hopefully I will be able to teturn and likely my treehouse will be gone. I can't keep thinking like this if I am to be of any use to my sister. I'll stop in a few hours to call Miss Witch. She always sends me phone cards, and since I've kept a few saved I ought to have enough time left to call a few times during my journey. This time, when I call, I might even be brave enough to talk to Sera as well. I know that she is taken care of, though, and that is enough for now. Somewhat grudgingly I continue to travel. I have come to Los Angeles to die,he moans. I have come to Los Angeles to die. - Nicole Blackman, "Christian's Calling" (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 4th, 2004
1:25 pm	But I don't know if I can stop flying It was another day for "one of those phone calls." My sweet roller-skated witch wanted to let me know that my sister is staying with her family. I know that Weetzie will take her in with broadly open arms, decal her nails and make a party out of feeding her, but I suppose I shouldn't just allow her to be taken care of by my almost-girlfriend's almost-family. How can I go back to that city of angels? Here I don't have to be an angel, I have no namesake to live up to, no promises to keep. Here I might be able to find myself, find myself so I can give to others without feeling hopelessly lost. I can be a part of people. How can I leave my sister though? I don't feel like I can allow her to live with my almost-almost-family just because I'm not finished with my own journey. Witch says that she's fine, that they'll take care of her, that I shouldn't worry. These are just kind words from people much more giving than I. I shouldn't allow the kindness of my friends to facilitate my unkindness. I have to go back for my sister. I need to show her that everything will turn out. Tonight I will say goodbye to my trees, rock out once more in the underground labyrinth of this crazy city, have one more breakfast that will remind me of freedom, and then I will return to the place I have dreaded seeing again. I will once again be Angel Juan of that mixed up Angel City. My Serafina, I will not allow my weakness to be your undoing. I will return for you. Keep her safe, Miss Witch, keep her safe and please, please be able to keep me safe too. Current Mood: edgy Current Music: The last chords of my Underground Big Apple bass (Comment on this)
1:23 pm	Tree and Sister Spirits I got a call from my Nina Bruja today. I suppose it is a good thing that someone knows how to find me, even though I'm not sure I want to be found at all. I spend my days as a tree spirit, although the tree I live in is a deep voiced old man abused by the elements and singing a low-toned spiritual. I suppose I do miss my family, both of my families. I miss Nina always, but I know how she understands and I miss her without pain. She tells me that she doesn't post pictures of accidents anymore, but of life. She has prints of the hop-scotch girls and Miss Pigtails and even a few of herself, and a few of me. I wonder whether she will become a photographer or a drummer when she finally takes off with her life. I know she will find what is right, though, and I know that one day I will be with her again, one day when I can live outside of her dream of me, outside of the shadow of the world she has created. Right now, though, it is my Mexico family who make my heart ache. Nina got a letter from my sister, Serafina, today, and nothing is going well with them it seems. My sweet little sister who is now no longer young, not from time but from the hell of that place where she is kept by borders and immigration laws and restrictive American rules. That place where my family is falling apart and everyone seems like dying life. She wrote to say that she is leaving, that she is going to find me. I know that she will find Weetzie, Dirk, Duck, My Secret, and the Goat Guys, but she won't want to find them, they will only frustrate her. Nina will calm her, take her picture, but it still won't be what she is looking to find. How can I possibly leave this world where I have only just begun to find myself. I need more time yet to see myself for the images people have made of me, images I have made of myself. I need more time jamming in the subway, dancing in central park, running running running everywhere. I need to spend more time as an Angel-blur before I can begin to peice back together my life as Angel Juan. "What do I do, Nina Bruja," I asked her over the phone. "You come back for her," replies my purple-eyed drummer-witch. I know I need to, I know I should be with Serafina, be with my family, help them to get out, to get better. But how can I help them when I am not yet better myself? Tonight I will sleep in my tree, and hopefully tomorrow I will know my path. Be safe my beautiful sister ~~Angel Juan (Comment on this)